A (VERY, VERY) ABRIDGED GLOSSARY OF AMERICAN ESPN COMMENTATOR TALK


360 degrees, 'to come full-circle' - said when 180 degrees or 'a change in the team's fortunes' might be more appropriate

battling in the paint - a basketball term with no place in soccer

certainly - certainly John Harkes' favorite word. Certainly he uses it to start every sentence

Chelsea - a west London club who apparently reached the Champions League final this year, unbeknownst to Arsenal and the rest of the world

Christian Ronaldo - a suspicious lookalike of Portuguese showpony Christiano Ronaldo

geezer - a colorful bit of English guy slang whose meaning American announcers have no idea

give and go - another basketball term not used in soccer. Seriously, guys...

hook tackle - a tackling technique known only to commentator and former player Marcello Balboa, who is living proof of brain damage caused by too many headers

Lesbian - the capital of Portugal, according to the otherwise excellent Adrian Healy

Lionel Messi - young Argentine star whom Dave O'Brien asked of the audience, 'ya gotta wonder now why Lionel Messi hasn't entered the game yet,' late in the game after manager Jose Peckerman had used all of his substitutions

Mark Viduka - Australian striker who is 'one of the most dangerous strikers in the English Premiership' according to Dave O'Brien, in a league boasting such striker-nobodies as Thierry Henry, Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Wayne Rooney, Luis Saha, Hernan Crespo, Didier Drogba, Michael Owen, Robbie Keane, Darren Bent, Djibril Cisse... Mr. Viduka finished the 05/06 season far away from the top 20 in goals scored

Michael Beckham - English player on the pitch when Dave O'Brien is calling a soccer match (David Owen was nowhere to be found, however)

Paul Robbins - England goalkeeper on the field according to Dave O'Brien, presumably in place of Paul Robinson

PK - a scoring opportunity inside the box known only to Americans

playmake - a verb, according to JP Dellacamera. Used by No. 10s like Zidane, Riquelme, Ronaldinho, etc. to make a play, presumably

racehorse start - a fast start to a match?

SCORE! - Rob Stone's version of 'GOAL!'


Where oh where was Derek Rae, the best commentator in America by a country mile, throughout all this? Thank god for Univision...